Chapter 29 Innocent Matilda

Queen Matilda took a long walk of the castle grounds.

She came inside feeling unsettled in a way she couldn't name.

She found herself wandering about the castle, restless.
At last she settled at a window. Once she stopped moving her distraction was gone. She had hoped her walk would help clear her head. Instead it had made her feel nervous. Her mind drifted back to what troubled her.

I am having a baby. I am a Queen. I am queen and don't even know what it means to have a baby. Should I know? Is a woman supposed to know such things?

Matilda felt her lip tremble. She continued to gaze out the window, blinking. She gathered her skirts and hurried for the stairs.
She felt thankful she had requested a bath earlier. A maid was filling a tub when she arrived.
Another maid helped her with her dress.
"Please hurry," Matilda managed. The maid must have taken this to mean she had business to attend to. She quickly undressed Matilda and guided her to a room she had become all too familiar with. Well, she had been drinking a lot more water than before. Matilda was embarrassed the maid had noticed.

When Matilda came out the maid was waiting for her.
"You are dismissed."

"I'll just wait here to dress you then Your Majesty."

"I wish to be alone."

"As you wish Your Majesty."

Matilda entered the bathing room and eased herself into the water. For a moment she was at peace. The tears that had threatened to fall forgotten.

It felt so good to be out of that dress. It was beginning to hurt no matter how loosely her maid did her undergarments.

Matilda felt thankful she had worn her fine dress when she had. At the time she had only thought that the dress would not be practical for running after a small child. She hadn't dreamed she would become too fat to wear it.

Matilda looked down at the water where belly was.

I'm hungry all the time. I don't even know why. I can't even fit into my finest gown anymore.
Matilda's thoughts drifted to the last time she wore her fine gown, the night they had danced.

Oh, how he looked at me, his eyes bathing me with his love. And when he kissed me? I feel my heart beat fast even thinking about it. I do think he loves me more because of the baby. Matilda gave a contented little sigh.

Matilda drifted deeper into memory.
Erik had brought her to his castle and showed her what it meant for a man to lay with his wife. She had only the vaguest idea beforehand. She knew when she married her husband would take her body and that she would do her wifely duty. What she hadn't known was what that meant.
That first night in the castle, Erik had removed his own clothes he had helped her out of hers. When she had reached for her nightgown Erik had stopped her.

"You won't be needing that tonight. Tonight you perform your wifely duty." He smiled at her expectantly.

Matilda answered him so softly he could not hear. He drew close. "Matilda? I couldn't hear you."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"What do you mean?"

"I would perform my wifely duty if-"

"What do you mean 'if'?" Erik's voice sounded strained.

"I would if-"

"If? Matilda, you are my wife, there is no if."

"I don't know what to do."

"You will do your duty as my wife. As my wife I have every right to demand that of you, or take it if you are not willing." Erik's face sorrowed. "I'm sorry Matilda. I won't do that to you. I love you so much already. If you will not, I can't bare to force you." Erik's eyes took on a most mournful look. "I thought you would want to. I thought you loved me as well."

"Erik, I do love you, and I do want to."

"Then what do you mean if?"

"If I knew what it was."

"What?"

"I would perform my wifely duty if I knew what it was."

Erik stood there stunned. Then he spoke ever so gently, "Matilda, before I came for you, how long had you been alone?"

"I don't know...many years. I was very young when nurse died. She told me she would not return and I mustn't look for her. She wasn't ill, but had been exposed and didn't want to risk me. My family had put great stores of food aside for us, but she had wanted to bring me fresh food...she made me promise not to do the same mistake. It was years before I truly believed she would never come back."

"Were you young enough that she did not tell you things?"

"She told me a great many things."

"About a man and his wife? About a wifely duty?"

"She told me when I was wed I would do my wifely duty. She didn't tell me what that was."

"Oh Matilda." Erik sat upon the bed and gently pulled her into his lap.

By the time Erik was done telling Matilda what a husband and wife do, she was very frightened. Especially by the part where he had told her it would hurt her very much the first time.

"My father told me these things before he died. He told me that I was too young to know, but that it was important."

Matilda shook a little in his arms. Thinking her cold Erik set her beside him and pulled back the covers.

Once they were both under the covers Matilda buried her face in Erik's shoulder. It had been a lot for the young queen. Erik stroked her hair 'till she quaked no more. He kissed her, first gentle whispery kisses. Then with longer kisses that took her breath away. Then more passionate kisses 'till a little sound escaped her, like the cooing of a dove. By this point she forgot all but Erik. By the time Erik came to the parts that frightened her she wanted to. It took a long time. He had been very gentle. It did hurt and she did cry out, but she was not sorry. Afterward he held her tightly.

Matilda kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, "I love you Erik." His grip on her softened and his breath changed.

Then Erik whispered something in her ear as well. "Every time we do that there's a chance you will have my baby."

This was something Matilda knew a little more about. At least nurse had told her about her moontime. She had told her that sometimes her moontime would not come. She had said that can happen sometimes...but if it happened for 2 moons it was likely a baby had begun to grow inside her. Nursed had neglected to tell her how the baby would come to grow within her.

Remembering where she was Matilda began washing her hair.

When nurse had told her about the baby, Matilda asked what a baby was. Nurse had laughed. She told her a baby is a very small child that grows in her mother and comes out when the time is right.

Matilda reached up and added more herbs to the water. She breathed in.

Matilda imagined a smaller version of herself as a child. How small would this baby be? Matilda had never seen a baby...or even another child aside from herself. Her first memories were of being in hiding.

As Matilda dried off she wondered when the right time would be. Would the baby come today? Would she wait very much longer? Erik had told her that she might have the very first baby of the kingdom. If another woman was first she would know how long she had to wait.

Matilda swelled with joy thinking of her baby. Then for no reason she could think of, she cried.